get up!

happy 2nd birthday libby claire! we celebrated the big day on saturday. we wanted to thank everyone for the outpouring of love and support and also had major reason to eat good food & amazing cake. we had planned that this would be a closure party of sorts. that we had finally reached the finish line. the only thing left was a few doctor visits, therapy, & looking toward the 1 year mark post injury. all that changed on thursday. we called dr.mclanahan's office earlier in the week because we noticed over the last 3 or 4 weeks her bone was feeling a little like swiss cheese & on the fractured part was really squishy. her squishy noodle was coming back. sadly the PA & doctor told us she was having bone resorption. we knew that it could happen. it was one of those complications on the mile long list. dr.mclanahan is referring us to dr.matthews again. he assisted in her 2nd surgery. we will see him this thursday at 2:30. i love him but never wanted to see him this soon. he is the pediatric sub-boney cranio-facial plastic surgeon (i think i got it right) basically very specialized. all we can gather is that he will start her on a major supplementation of vit D & calcium. to help regenerate the bone that is being lost. the dreaded word surgery...bone grafting???? will they take from her hip???pain??? i don't want anyone looking at the inside of her little head again. the whole process feels as though it is starting over.
saturday was meant to be a joyful, carefree, celebration. not one of anxiety, & the out of control feelings we were so used to. it had been so normal for a few weeks, we had moved on. it was wonderful & we certainly were very excited to celebrate libs turning 2 & honor all who had prayed for us. matt & i had a few rough days after thursday. the stress seeped back in, the lump in our throats was in place, worry began to weigh us down, the familiar teary eyed look, the face of dread was back. on top of it all matt gets sick that saturday night...the swine flu. he started tamiflu on sunday & we have not seen him since. he has been quarantined on the 3rd floor for days.

i took libby claire for her 2 year well check up this morning. she is doing great in spite of the last 4 months she has been through. on the way home she was crying in the carseat, tired of getting shots & being in & out of so many doctors offices, i am sure. i am famous for saying " suck it up!" that is what you have to do sometimes. i have sucked it up through sickness, pain, fear, pregnancy, motherhood, disappointment, marriage, burning the toast again, friendships, being thrown up on (more than a few times), school, cleaning, midnight bad dreams, red mud on new carpet, the list will go on and on.

i have felt defeated, beaten down, lost, let go in the valley again since thursday. it was not me saying "suck it up" it was God. i knew that very well. i thought of the healing at the pool, where there was this old man sitting for 30 years by the water to be healed. just as the waters are stirred he can't get up fast enough to get in before someone else jumps in ahead of him. wow, do i feel that way right now or what? i can relate so well to him. then Jesus walks by & asks him, almost annoyed "what are you doing? do you want to get well?" i would have said "duh" to Jesus if i were that guy. then all Jesus does is say "get up! pick up your mat & walk." (john 5:8) the man is healed & walks away after 30 years of waiting. the same as "suck it up," he says "get up!"

there it is, never far away...i have felt such pity for a few days & God just said "suck it up" to me. my own words needed to be said back to me.
i ask that you petition our Lord on behalf of our precious libby claire again. pray for her bone resorption to stop & regeneration to begin. pray for dr. matthews, pray for her mama & daddy as we again face the giants of this injury. we find ourselves again crying out, in the low valley, cast into the wilderness, far from home, sitting & waiting by the pool.
"SUCK IT UP" or as my Jesus has said " GET UP! PICK UP YOUR MAT & WALK!"
i plan to do just that.

our little saint

too much candy-
halloween at our house is not such a big deal. we do let the kids choose what non-scary costume they want to wear & go to just a few houses trick-or-treating. mac does not want to dress up anymore, beau always changes his mind 100 times before halloweeen, maggie wants the most elaborate & expensive costume & pips won't keep anything on. poor beau finally decided on snake eyes from GI JOE. well, we bought the 8-10 size. he waited to put it on until church on wednesday. he could barely squeeze into it. the velco at the back was busting...his costume was crawling up in his hiny. by halloween he refused to stuff himself in it...so we went with homemade cowboy, just as cute. this year was rainy & not a good night to be outside anyway but we braved a few drops & went our with some good friends to houses our neighborhood.

of course, all saint's day follows halloween. i knew that was coming & knew what our church did for this special day but never expected to be emotional. we all stood as the names of loved ones who have passed on were read aloud. the list is always so long & reminds me of such sadness & loss for so many. matt & i sat back down & i felt as if i could not breathe. our baby girl was so close to being one of those names read. she would have been right before the name read for july 15th...that was her spot. i became very upset, cried my make-up off, totally soaked matt's handkerchief. i could not imagine listening to our pastor read her name. utter the most beautiful name. the one we called to come eat, go outside & play, get in the bubble bath, give us the best hugs & sweetest kisses. i am humbled & so gracious that i get to still see her smiling face,listen to her breath at night, scrub her messy face after lunch, drink in her giggles, windex fingerprints, sing her night night song, pick up toys, endlessly say "no" to all her curiosity gets her into. she is here & doing more & better than any doctor told us to expect.

she is our little saint. when they lost her a few times on july 10th we know she had gone to heaven & spent those moments with her Father. she has gazed into the eyes of Christ, crawled into the lap of Jesus & rested her tired body. when matt & i were in this tiny private waiting room in the hospital desperate for just some word of how she was we stayed in constant prayer. dave, the chaplain for all children's,"our chaplain" as we call him, was with us. he was so calm, but had our pain in his eyes. we love dave. hours pass so slowly when you are doing nothing but pleading. i prayed prayers for 6 hours straight out loud. i can remember everyone & repeat them now. some were so much harder than others. we begged for healing, asking for the pain to be lifted from her tiny body, for her "TEAM" of surgeons & nurses, for our other children, for my mom. they were all detailed & sent to heaven, never knowing the outcome. 2 i think of today are hard ones. the first was early on in the surgery. i prayed that Christ would whisper words of comfort in her ear & she would have a host of beautiful angels singing her songs. i wanted & prayed for her to be in a field of green grass with Jesus & other children. i wanted it to be warm & sunny with a little breeze, the perfect day! i needed to picture her there, with Him. He would tell her stories, love her, give her rest, wrap His familiar arms around her & hold our baby girl when we could not. the second one i prayed around hour 6. matt & i were in each others arms. we could barely see through our tears. each of our faces were hot & stinging, the shock & trauma made me so cold. i was freezing with piles of blankets on me. i know what clothes we had on, each detail as if it were this morning. i uttered this prayer with mixed emotions...
"Lord Jesus...we have begged as parents to have you rescue our little girl. to heal, remove pain, guide her surgeons, be there for her, be with us, help, save, turn your face our way, use your hands & power. there are no more words...you know our suffering all to well. you watched your son die & suffer in pain. i pray your will. if libby claire is to come be with you take her. we want her here on earth with us. we want to watch her grow & experience each day with her, smell her, kiss her lips, witness each moment, but maybe it is her time. is that what you are telling us? guide her, carry her, lift her...give her those precious angel wings she has always had. as hard as it will be & as much pain as missing her will be, I BELIEVE YOU, I BELIEVE YOU, I WILL PRAISE YOU, I WILL PRAISE YOU!"

i cry as i write this. i handed over the most precious thing, what i thought was mine but really never was. she has always been His. that was the worst & best prayer to ever pray. i gave up & totally trusted. there was no where to turn. i turned to Him & He turned my way. once matt & i collected ourselves after i said those words the peace came. it descended on us in an unimaginable way. we had done all we could.

death is something we were not ready for, not prepared. 21 months is to short. during her medially induced coma we prayed that she spent those days & nights with Jesus, playing in that field. in His arms. when they were bringing libs out of the coma she was intibated & could not cry or speak. there were moments when she was not awake but would make a crying face. it was so sad. she was sad! she would make it over & over for minutes at a time. i knew that He was sending her back to us. she was leaving that field, He had picked her up out of His lap & was sending her home. the playdate was over. it was painful to watch. as a mommy i needed her to want to be here with me...but she wanted to be there with Him. can you imagine how wonderful that place is with Him. for her to cry & fight to stay with our God, not her mommy & daddy. it must be awesome. i no longer fear death for anyone. it must be the most perfect place...she sure wanted to stay.

there was a moment when they brought her back in the PICU. we finally got to see her, then things started going downhill & they asked us to leave again. many have experienced the death of a loved one. it is painful & so sad, such a mess here on earth. just remember...they don't want to come back, just like our pips. she wanted to stay in His arms, singing, playing, dancing, listening to His stories, in the field on the perfect day. finally, we were with libs...able to see her precious face. what an angel. our little saint.

beginning to fall

we are all pumped with regular flu shots & i had to get the H1N1 b/c of being pregnant & in my 3rd trimester. mac had a toenail infection & athlete's foot, maggie had a terrible cough, which she loving shared with all of us. so after 7 doctor visits, $271.84 at CVS, checks written for flu shots, i know that there is no doubt it is fall. despite what it seems to do to the health of our kiddos this is my favorite season. the splendor of the leaves, crisp fall air, pumpkins on every doorstep, stars seem brighter in the fall, starbucks has pumpkin lattes, i dig out scarves & jeans. it is something i am so glad i get to have every year...could not imagine living somewhere fall does not descend.

i was riding in my car the other morning alone. which is really rare these days. as i came around a curve in the road there was a big gust of wind and it blew these awesome goldie, yellow fall leaves off of a huge tree that sat perfectly in the corner of the curve of the road. it was a sight i wish i could see over and over. hundreds of these beautiful leaves twisting and turning, floating to the ground. at that very moment i wished i was a leaf. then i realized we are all leaves. one day green and full soaking in the summer sun and warmth. only to begin to change into amber, red, gold, fierce yellow, burnt orange...a ray of vivid color. soon to be blown from our tree, our home & resting place & fall to the ground. then slowly turn brown & dry up. we lose our beauty, security, comfort & feel so unworthy as we once were.i have been a leaf this summer & fall. seen myself so secure, a true shade of green...soaking it all in. all of the sudden to change colors & be blown from my branch, tossed about in the wind. not knowing where i would land. i have turned brown & dried up. i lost my secure perch in my tree. i was twisted & fell endlessly until i finally landed...on solid ground. it was a journey...a season. we are all leaves in some way or another. some of us are in the middle of summer enjoying every gentle breeze, some in fall...a slow change from our green into an amazing new color. few might be blown about and preparing to brown. i think we all feel this way at times.

libby claire has been weaned from her last sedative/anti-seizure medication. she completed it last week. we can already see her true self coming out. she is talking MUCH more & MUCH louder. her balance is back, she is working on staying in her big girl bed, she is still eating us out of house and home. her personality is coming back. the crying spells are shorter & not as often. she still has therapy on wednesdays. we are working on attention span & no means no. but what 2 year old likes to hear that word. she does like to say it though. never knowing that in october this is where we would be i have no way to explain our gratitude. things are getting better and better. now it is just the shifting through and storing it all in my mind & heart. i dream every night about july 10th, in detail. every moment, every word matt & i spoke, the shallow breaths libs took, her eyes, the helicopter, her blue body intibated...each second replays in my dreams. at some point i always wake up. in the middle of the ambulance ride, sitting in the trauma room, meeting with the surgeons, on my knees in a waiting room. i wake up & wish it would be stored away, a distant memory. i know when traumatic events happen that it takes time to get over & work through. i am just now getting to that point. for so long we functioned on adrenaline & the peace of Christ. upheld by prayer...it is now that i finally am able to start my sorting & organizing it all.

now that i have gone through "that season" i am ready to tackle H1N1 or anything that this fall/winter has to throw our way. that normal day to day stuff pales in comparison to what we have done over the last 3 1/2 months. when i stand outside & feel the wind, watching the leaves fall & gaze at the glory of the autumn color i know that this will pass. and so bring it on...

2 timothy 4:17-18
but the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. and i was delivered from the lion's mouth. the Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. to him be glory for ever and ever. amen.

just be

we went to the mountains this weekend with our lifegroup. what a place of God. i can see His works in the rolling hills, autumn leaves, crisp air, peaks & valleys...it is truly a gift to just see fall making its way south. i have so much i thought of over the 4 days we were there. the changing of leaves & how i felt they symbolized us over our 3 month journey... now only to fall from the tree & bud out again in spring, fresh & new or the glory & majesty of the mountains or my peaks & valleys lately, but i know i need to write about a simple thing that is never simple.

psalm 46:10
"be still & know that i am God."

while eating lunch out with the ladies in our group one said she was challenged to break down this verse & live it...be it.

first, I AM GOD. He is. i am still awestruck that He knows my name, considers me His child, & worthy to be so. the creator of all, it sometimes is so big i can't even understand or imagine how i could be given such a gift. His son...for me...on a daily basis...what makes me worthy. i really have to just accept this one, it is that simple. with it vastness it is simple...HE IS.

second, KNOW THAT I AM GOD. i do know. i have come to Christ as a lowly sinner, prayed for salvation & He rescued me from myself. i have committed my life to something bigger & better. i know the fullness of joy & even the deepest pain but i am never alone. when you KNOW who He is yous don't suddenly see it all with rose colored glasses on or know you will never have a bad day but it is altering in a way that surpasses all. better that those glasses. to KNOW & to be KNOWN...isn't that we all want. i do KNOW.

third, BE STILL. i could write for days on this one. what a challenge for me. i am so antsy, a do"er", craft junkie, camera obsessed, sewing addict, loving & adoring wife, martha stewart want a be, organizer freak, OCD cleaner, mother of 4 (& expecting again),who wants it all done the right way...my way. how in the world can i BE STILL? i have always been the one to fill the silence. talk, joke, laugh or get something done. i never sit, never have, never will, i do. that is who i am. it was in the silence & the stillness of july that He came to me. i was enveloped by His wings. He whispered His promises to me. He was there & i was still. there is no way i can describe how that felt or would even be able to try. it was in complete stillness that i could let Him be who He is. not in the craziness of everyday, or listening to some sermon (sorry honey) it was when i let it all go, had nothing else but just to BE STILL. when i called upon Him He would be there. i had never experienced my faith this way. so personal, so real. the Savior was right there. in me, through me...so real. in the silence & stillness i prayed to touch the hem of His garment...for our libby claire. i begged for healing, pleaded for things to be different. but when i was STILL i knew, He was there & always had been.

and last, BE. just BE. i don't know if that sounds impossible to you but it does me. i long for that feeling again. never the pain, fear, exhaustion, of our trial but the closeness to our Father that matt & i had. i have to just BE now & that is when He comes. i look forward to the stillness & know that i need to just BE. it is in those moments i can hear Him again. i can feel that feeling of the warm, tingly blanket wrapped around me. end of your rope, rock bottom, desperate times call for desperate measures...we have been there. in our desperation we turned to the One. He has never failed us, only picked us up & carried us. i crave that all day & hope the same for you. BE just BE.
we made memories in the mountains. maggie gets terribly car sick, which makes a mountain trip even more fun, mac & beau seem to need duct tape put down the middle of the seat because someone always has there hands or feet on "my side." libby claire bores easily with the box of toys we pack & never seems to get a full nap while we travel. a lamp caught on fire, a huge bass was caught, board games played, lots of food eaten, sleepy cold morning fires, the delight of a fall festival, a tire blow out, no cell phone service, caramel apples, watching the leaves change, a beautiful rainbow, we made memories. between the laughs & conversations i realized that this is life. He gave me life & i am made to BE it. enjoy it, know that HE IS GOD.

"be still & know that I am God."

the very first

when this picture was taken for our christmas card last year i never realized it's symbolism for our year to come. we have been on a path, journey, set of train tracks. at times it felt as if the train was coming our way, but we walked it together.

i would never have guessed i would be writing. i laugh to think that some of you call yourselves my "stalker." hinged on every word or waiting to check for an update on caringbridge, just for some encouragement. now when i say this is a "God thing"...it really is. He unveils things to me, makes me look deeper into the everyday stuff that comes my way. crazy to me that some of you want to read ramblings of a pastors wife but...only through tragedy has this happened. how joyous are we now from this side of the street. i am so thankful He is using my words to reveal Him to you. i only wish our pips did not have to go through what she did to get us to this point.

as for writing a book or devotional, i would be honored to. the time has not come yet. so for now i will do what i know & know well, BLOG. please sign in, create a google profile, & become an official follower & we will chase seagulls together. this will help me know who i am writing to & also, if & when the time comes for me to pursue writing i might have some leverage, if i have a large following. a friend told me, " don't do this for free. you could be making major money writing for a paper, devotional, or my own book deal. you could make money & could live on more than a single income (which happens to be a pastors salary) we could pay for all the medical bills with just my income." i know that He will honor this & i will only be lead by turning it over to Him.


please don't forget to become a follower on the right side of the blog. check back for more postings & also leave your comments for me below each post there will be a comment section. you encourage me & i loved reading your comments on caring bridge & so please keep them coming. i am also fed by you & your words.


thank you again for all your prayers. i of course, will write about all four (almost 5) of our children on here & so you will get updates of libby claire's recovery through chasing seagulls.


if you stumbled onto my blog please go to www.caringbridge.org/visit/libbyclairemcgarity for our journey on the train tracks up until this point.